the 10 pound box arrived at my apartment on friday, but since i was away for the weekend i did not get to open it until sunday night. as i unloaded all of the cargo (reservoirs, infusion sets, linking meter, iv prep, etc.) i thought about how bittersweet the whole pump thing is. on one hand, i know it's going to make my life much easier, perhaps more like the "normal" i've known for 22 years...but. but. the pump is an outward sign that i have diabetes, that i have a chronic disease that is not going to go away. while being on injections may make my life more difficult and regimented, it also means that no one knows what i have unless i want them to. while i may be able to hide the pump much of the time, i know that sometimes it will be clipped to the back of my pants, begging questions that i may not feel like answering and causing assumptions to be made where they may not be warranted. it's not so much that i am concerned what others think, but the idea that i may not always be in control of how much information they get is what bothers me. i generally have no problem telling people that i'm a diabetic, but it's important that it's on my terms, and the pump sort of takes that away from me.
also, when i held that ridiculously expensive little beeper-like thing in my hands, it hit me that this thing was going to be attached to me for the rest of my life (...ok, maybe not this particular thing, but some form of it) and that was a lot to wrap my mind around. it's not like getting a new ipod or something, where it's fun but you kind of know it's a fleeting material thing. this is basically a new part of my body. and i know i will get used to it. eventually.
for now, i have to wait until april 8th to get all hooked up on saline and the 12th for real insulin. until then my living room will remain a storm of pump supplies, and i will be thinking of a name for my newest body part. suggestions are welcome.